In the nadir of that regrettable decade we call the eighties, millions of  bored children welcomed into their living rooms the vile antics of those vulgar domesticated beasts we called the Muppet Babies (the word “muppet” as of now, still unexplained— possibly a product of the two words in the phrase “motherfucking puppet”). Their amazing adventures in the limitless realms of their puerile imaginations were indisputably second to none. Every week, legions of dedicated slack-jawed, glassy-eyed diaper-wearing wusses would stare catatonically at the tube, zealously awaiting yet another sterile, cardboard adventure. Devoid of violence, sex, and flippant drug use, this cartoon’s backbone is an exhibition of classic television two-dimensionality. Just close your eyes and think back. It is stunningly apparent that the program shamelessly rehashed the same damn stereotypes that we’ve all come to know throughout the years:

• Rowlf – the –ahem- talented musician who thinks he can always steal the show by flaunting his more than limited musical skills as well as his trashy sense of fashion-- in this case, a diaper and a bib (trendy, huh?)

• Piggy – the superficial sorority girl whose time is forever dedicated to perfecting her (at best) lackluster physical appearance when it should be spent on a serious improvement of personality and maturity

• Skeeter – with her perpetually exposed navel, nappy hair, and purple frames, Skeeter fits in quite nicely with the Jerry Springer crowd

•  Fozzie – that acutely unfunny jackass in high school who everyone just wished would shut up

•  Scooter – the pathologically insecure computer nerd whose pathetic social skills relegate him to being the monkey boy of the popular kids whenever they need to abuse his talents to further their own personal glory

•   Gonzo – the social outcast with a bizarre poultry fixation and a propensity for embarrassing the popular girls by talking to them

•  Animal – the incoherent, incorrigible, and violent sociopath who went to your high school and bragged about burning insects, huffing gasoline, and toying with firearms

•  Bunsen – another social outcast obsessed by visions of grandeur and world domination despite being just another blue-collar idiot who happens to wear a lab coat

•  Oh, and of course, Kermit and Beaker, but we’ll get to them soon enough…

    The strange relationship between Kermit and Piggy stays with us today, manifesting itself in what’s called the “Sorority Girl Mentality.”  The evidence of this is abundant in Piggy: the over-asserted femininity, the eagerness to please, constant flirtation, the list goes on. The overdone make-up did not just spring from her warped sense of fashion (although that cannot be completely dismissed, as suggested by her gaudy pink dress). Watching Miss Piggy’s overpowering need for the little green guy’s affection and attention, and the pain stemming from his constant and not-so-subtle rejections were undoubtedly integral forces in the rise of eating disorders in our generation.  Hell, the fact that she was a bloated, insecure pig probably all but completely stemmed from Kermit’s unabashed rejections and her unwavering hope that he would somehow “overcome” his “condition." Yes, though never explicitly stated, our post-Ellen era gives us all the faculties to interpret the signs we so innocently overlooked way back when:  the sailor suit, his affinity for dress up, his demand for the lead singing role in the show tune section featured in almost every episode, and the infamous backstage shots of passionate kissing with Rowlf. And let’s not forget the “Gay Pride” sticker on his crib door.

    But despite all we have gleaned from the Muppet Babies, there remain many-a-mystery.  The most disturbing of these is that half the “kids,” as Nanny referred to them, were not even identifiable as any known organisms. Gonzo, Scooter, Skeeter, and the ominously monikered Animal are all obvious testaments to some kind of perverse crossbreeding obsession dwelling within Jim Henson, and that’s not even counting the occasional invasion by Bunsen and Beaker, two indiscernible creatures whose place of residence, guardian, and mode of transportation were conveniently not discussed on the program. The only clue (if it can be seen fit to call it that) we have regarding the two’s origin is Nanny’s foreboding comment, “Hey kids, Bunsen and Beaker are here to see you...”
 

Quite revealing is the personality of Beaker. Playing a perpetually frightened lackey unable to express himself with words, Beaker’s only communication with the outside world is a result of high-pitched stuttering which was evidently only coherent to his ever-present master Bunsen. The latter saw it fit to “translate” Beaker’s speech to the common dialect perceived by those in the nursery. God knows what Beaker was really saying. For all we know, Beaker could have been saying, “Fuck you, Bunsen. I’m sick of your bullshit and this mad scientist charade. It’s about time I kicked your ass.” And Bunsen would calmly relay to the rest of the Muppets the pressing message, “Beaker thinks we should journey to the center of the Earth so we can find a mysterious rollerskate key.”

    And who exactly was this Nanny person? Was she the parent of all these creatures? This seems unlikely, considering that she was referred to by the children as "nanny," understood to be a term meaning, "caretaker." Nanny does not come across like the biological parent at all-- she lacks both the strictness and the authority. When the children are being destructive, loud, and obnoxious, Nanny does not enter the nursery threateningly, brandishing a leather belt or a moistened rattan cane. She calmly and compassionately hears the pleas of the children and mildly reprimands them without ever losing her cool. Hmmm... suspicious. Of course, it is feasible that Nanny just passed herself off as some sort of caretaker when in fact she was the biological parent of all these animals-- a victim or willing participant in some sick Mengeleic experiment. Again, this seems unlikely but no other explanation is satisfactory. If Nanny was not their biological mother, then why was she the sole guardian? Where were the real parents? Was this nursery in which they resided really some sort of orphanage for neglected science experiments? This also seems a stretch considering that they all appear to be about the same age (with the exception of the underdeveloped Animal). You'd think that within the walls of a decent, state-approved orphanage, the children would at least be greeted with the dignity of their own beds, rather than having to share a crib with five other children. But then again, everyone's lowering their standards these days.

    There were many other disturbing issues never addressed by the program; Officer Caruthers, is a notable example. Caruthers, as you will recall, was the mysterious figure who always called up the residence to bitch about the tots’ blatant disregard for civil peace statutes. As Nanny explained it, Caruthers worked the graveyard shift at the local P. D., on the prowl at night and, presumably, drinking himself to sleep during the daytime. Apparently the slightest bit of noise, like, oh- say, eight to ten babies crashing off of a couch while enacting some perverse quasi-ritualistic fantasy shit would disturb his gang-filled dreams of slumber; this-- passing through the thick walls of a non-dirt modern home.

     Let’s not forget the most obvious of brow-raising questions: what was the deal with not showing Nanny’s face- or any adult’s face for that matter? We can try to analyze the situation and attempt to draw some bizarre, half-assed conclusions about that, but no conceivable explanation could possibly satisfy the circumstances. At best, it could only raise more questions. The leading theory, completely unrelated to the microcosm of that fantasy world, is that corporate corner-cutting resulted in the hiring of third-rate art-school dropouts who had yet to come anywhere near being able to draw a human face with any kind of accuracy. And speaking of Nanny, what about her socks? Where would one go to obtain socks like that? And more importantly, what would possess anyone to buy, much less wear, such atrocious articles of clothing?

            And yet....don’t we all just want to run out and watch a little Nick Jr.  and revisit these old friends who brought us happiness, laughs and taught us the lesson that, if nothing else, you can pour paint into a piano and run paper through it to prove your self-worth?