The Onion: Why should anyone buy your record?

Mark Arm (vocals/guitars): [submitted via e-mail] Locked within the grooves of the LP version of Since We've Become Translucent is the secret of flight without wings. At the center of the digital encoding that makes up the CD version lies the means to make oneself invisible. If one owns both the LP and CD, one would be able to become invisible and fly.

O: Do you think your record will help people?

MA: Yes. It will help them to fly and become invisible. Of course, I hope everyone understands that the power of invisibility won't kick in until every stitch of clothing is removed.

O: Do you think your record could save lives?

MA: That all depends on the moral integrity of the people who buy our album and how many records are sold. If the people who buy our album are goodhearted, they could intervene in bank robberies, kidnappings, and other heinous crimes. Conversely, if one is invisible and can fly, there is virtually no limit to the mischief and terror one could cause. If our record goes multi-platinum, there will be untold millions of flying invisible people. With that many invisible people in the skies, there are bound to be accidents. I hate to say it, but if too many folks buy the album, there will be a lot of hurt people out there.

O: Is this record your ticket to heaven?

MA: Heaven? Get real, there's no heaven.