e may as well begin with an anecdote.

In the late 1970s, my grandmother had a framed print of La Gioconda in her flat. I think my grandfather bought it for her when he visited the Louvre, and everyone seemed to admire it. Once I was visiting her with my parents when I was about five years-old, that print instantly and inexplicably reduced me to a hysterical fit of crying and screaming as soon as I first saw it. I had never seen anything that was as frightening as that image. My parents were even more surprised by my sudden and unexpected outburst, since I was usually a quiet and well-behaved child, certainly not prone to tantrums. I was so scared of the Mona Lisa that I bolted back toward the front door. Of all the things in the world to be scared of, it was the depiction of a famed beauty that reduced me to a puddle of irrationality. At the time, all I knew was that I wanted escape from that horrible visage (against a Renaissance backdrop of landscape and foliage that were unfamiliar to a young lad living in Taiwan), and I refused to come back into the living room until that print was removed. It was.

o maybe that was what was wrong with me after all these years… at least there is now a possible explanation. You know how sometimes a certain phrase you have not been acquainted with suddenly moves to the forefront of your life, and it becomes inexorably ubiquitous and sometimes threatening? Usually these terms tend to be decidedly un-fortuitous adult expressions, such as "credit default swaps", “mortgage-backed securities”, “restraining order”, “triage”, or “sarcoma” et al. Now there is a phrase that seems to pop up again and again, but this time it really hits home. For me it began with the New Yorker 20 August 2007 article by music scholar and writer Tim Page who wrote about his difficult childhood that was subsequently attributed to Asperger’s syndrome, which is essentially a mild form of autism. While individuals diagnosed with Asperger’s experience tremendous difficulties in social interaction and in physical agility and coordination, they (unlike autistic persons) do not have problems with linguistic or cognitive development. Many people with Asperger’s are preoccupied with obsessive or repetitive routines, or with intense and monomaniacal idiosyncratic interests.

The article noted that while Asperger’s may be a debilitating handicap, it has also been linked to cultivation of various artistic, scientific, and mathematical talents. According to the article, David Mamet noted in Bambi vs. Godzilla that “the symptoms of this developmental disorder include early precocity, a great ability to maintain masses of information, a lack of ability to mix with groups in age-appropriate ways, ignorance of or indifference to social norms, high intelligence, and difficulty with transitions, married to a preternatural ability to concentrate on the minutiae of the task at hand.” Well, that’s all good and everything, but for most of my life, I just want to be a normal person-- someone who can actually connect with other human beings in a meaningful way.

Named after the Austrian pediatrician Hans Asperger (1906-1980) who first published its definition in 1944, Asperger’s syndrome goes way beyond typical adolescent geekiness and its accompanying sense of alienation, nor is it treatable obsessive-compulsive disorder relatively common among people. Tim Page “felt like an alien, always about to be exposed… [He] not only did not see the forest for the trees; [he] was so intensely distracted that [he] missed the trees for the species of lichen on their bark.” Other idiosyncratic traits that can be attributed to symptoms of Asperger’s include the following experienced by Page while growing up:

--general life of misery and pessimism… check.
--Intensely acute memories and all-encompassing recall… check.
--discomfort with physical contact with others… check.
--pathological inability to work with groups… check.
--reading the entire encyclopaedias or dictionaries… check.
--love of phonographic music at a very early age… check (I myself broke several turntable units by age 6).
--fear of overstimulation, and being comfortable in dark or neutral clothing under grey skies… check, check, and check.


DSM-IV, the diagnostic manual of mental disorders published by the American Psychiatric Association, clarified in its diagnostic criteria of Asperger’s disorder 299.80: “encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus”; “persistent preoccupation with parts of objects”; and the fact that it is more common in males.

Tim Page also wrote about “intricately detailed street maps of make-believe cities on which I worked silently for hours.” I used to have drawers filled with these drawings, and I’ve kept one of them at home in southern California. To some extent, my being an architect may be an extension of this childhood trait. My primary concern while working as a draughter was how well my construction documents and their meticulously-drawn details work as a work of art and composition, much to the consternation of my employers who just want the get them out as soon and as cheaply as possible. In fact, I was obsessed with geography (and documenting imaginary or distant worlds and environments) by the time I was 4, and I could locate most nations on the globe by then. I would entertain family friends and relatives at parties with my knowledge of world capitals and major rivers before I entered first grade. Atlases, and road maps could and still can keep me entertained for hours.

ince there is not a cure or treatment for Asperger’s syndrome, and it is not universally accepted as a pathology or illness, what is the point of pursuing a diagnosis? To mitigate its symptoms, most adults with Asperger’s syndrome are well acquainted with the usual regiment of Valium, Xanax, various SSRIs, behavioural therapy, and counselling therapy sessions, and frankly these days, who isn’t? I myself have been receiving them for decades. However, I cannot help but think, in occasional fits of self-pity, how much further I can accomplish in life without this handicap. You also start to think how much more comfortable life would be when you are not always ill at ease around people. Maybe I’d be famous by now, or find a semblance of happiness and sense of security.

One of the most painful aspects of living with Asperger’s is the inability to feel comfortable around other people, let alone building meaningful relationships with them. A lonely existence is a given; you don’t understand them, and they certainly don’t understand you. You would pray for small incidences of connection.

Anyway, it started out as yet another semi-anonymous net hookup, and I’ve never seen him since. He was ostensibly from a completely different world than mine. White American middle class, middle-aged, middle-of-the-road suburban and married. I was promiscuous, horny, and didn’t care. However, somehow we managed to exchange much more than bodily fluids. Instead of grabbing our coats and loose change after the requisite transaction had taken place, we just lay there for hours talking about our respective lives. We had the same given name; he once lived in the same town I did; we went to the same university, but he also has a teenaged son with learning difficulties. I listened. We proceeded to explore our fears, travails, and aspirations; this discourse turned out to be even more fulfilling than the exploration of our bodies. Mind you it wasn’t bad sex, but I ended up critically comparing our different lives and glancing at my own life. He carried a weight much more than I can ever handle. Reckoned I’m a such a wimp, but I also thought, “gee, that’s kind of neat; there’s hope after all.” Ultimately, what I did not expect from a one-night-stand was to feel touched by a parent’s stories of living with child with Asperger’s. There was plenty of heartache to go around, but unconditional love almost made them trivial. The litany of difficulties notwithstanding, his love for his son was so indelible that I could not but feel that it was getting somewhat slightly dusty in the room.

15 March 2009