It has been noted in the past few days how repetitive and useless many of 
the conversations that occupy our daily lives are. Fred Lee observed that 
by the end of the year in Norton Hall, no one could even go to the restroom 
without getting bogged down in five minutes of meaningless drivel, or, as 
Quentin Tarantino so eloquently put it, "mindless, boring, 
getting-to-know-you chit-chat." With that in mind, here's a shorthand guide 
to many conversations one can be faced with, and their corresponding 
numbers. Ideally, when one senses that another cliched conversation is upon 
him, one can simply say the number, or just raise a finger, and then 
proceed with the rest of one's life.

1) Any conversation that is about politics, but doesn't feature any actual 
knowledge from the talkers.

This can be summarized as; "I believe Clinton will be impeached because 
blah blah blah damned liberals" or "Kenneth Starr is a big jerk blah blah 
blah right-wing conspiracy." Just raise a finger, and don't even think 
about saying the phrase; "It tastes good."

2) "Hey, what are you doing tonight?"
Nobody cares what you're doing tonight. They just asked out of politeness. 
And, whether you say "going to a party" or "studying" or even "masturbating 
while listening to No Doubt" the response will invariably be, "That's 
cool." Don't go down that road, my friends.

3) One person expresses sexual desire for a third party, and outlines 
possible plans for obtaining sex or a relationship. Saying "three" could be 
replaced by simply saying, "hypothalamus," but that might prove cumbersome.

4) The Difference Between Men and Women.
Comment about gender difference. Example. Small laughter. Ludicrous 
extension of first example. More laughter. Agreement and mutual wonder at 
the grand difference between men and women.

5) A reference to some element of pop culture known to all.
Hey, remember the Smurfs? Wasn't it weird that there was only one girl? 
Hey, remember that 'Seinfeld' episode where all of their plans get 
frustrated in the end? Wasn't that great? Don't you want to relive the 
magic of sharing that cultural moment again and again and again? And again?

6) Drug use.
This covers plans to get drunk/high, stories about those crazy things done 
while drunk/high, cool places to go/cool things to do while drunk/high, 
and assurances that one will never get drunk/high ever again, at least for 
a while. Most importantly, this covers conversations about being drunk/high 
that take place while drunk/high. "Boy, this controlled substance has 
really altered my perceptions of myself since before I was under the 
influence of this controlled substance."

7) Embodiment.
Isn't it weird that we have bodies? Defecation, urination, menstruation, 
satiation of biological needs through eating or drinking, working out, or 
any mention of physical comfort/discomfort fall into this definition. It 
boils down to commenting on the strangeness that our consciousness is 
attached to a physical body.

This Typographical Theory of Conversations is not without its limitations, 
however. Conversations about conversations (meta-conversations) are not 
covered by this shorthand guide. Godel's Incompleteness Theorem also states 
that there are true conversations that cannot be derived by the 
Typographical Theory of Conversations, as well as false conversations 
produced by said theory. That being said, it is hoped that this guide can 
expedite your small talk and leave more time for the truly important things 
in life; namely, this hot girl named Amy on my floor. (3)

-Pentavirate West