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Title: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on May 31st, 2003, 3:29am Last week at Tel Aviv airport an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on May 31st, 2003, 4:15am Death LIFE = [smiley=int.gif] (Happiness).dt Birth |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by aero_guy on Jun 6th, 2003, 7:30am lim(Pennstate education)=No Job month->May There were four engineers driving in a car; a chemical, electrical, mechanical, and computer engineer. Suddenly the engine dies and they have to pull over. The Mechanical guy says, "Did you hear that thunk? We threw a rod. The car is dead and we are going to have to get it towed." The Chemical Engineer says, "No way, didn't you hear all that knocking for the last hour? It is just a fuel problem. We flush out the fuel lines and we will be fine." The Electrical Engineer replies, "You guys are both full of it. The car died from a loss of spark. I bet we blew a little fuse somewhere. If we pull off the panel we can fix it in three minutes." They argue for a while and the realize that the computer engineer has been very quiet, so they ask him what his opinion of the problem is. He says, "Well what if we all get out of the car and then back in again?" |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on Oct 11th, 2003, 11:04pm Three Navaho women sit side by side on the ground. The first woman, who is sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 140 pounds. The second woman, who is sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 160 pounds. The third woman, who weighs 300 pounds, is sitting on a hippopotamus skin. What famous geometric theorem does this symbolize? |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Icarus on Oct 12th, 2003, 3:13pm ::[hide]The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.[/hide]:: Beware, T&B the [hide]Pythagoreans[/hide] will now be looking for YOUR hide! They've been known to kill before when someone crossed them! ;) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by wowbagger on Oct 15th, 2003, 7:10am The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply." A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. "Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply." A Neanderthal child rode to school with a boy from Hamilton. When his mother found out she said, "What did I tell you? If you commute with a Hamiltonian you'll never evolve!" |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by maryl on Oct 18th, 2003, 9:40am Over-analyzing a problem- The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?" The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone has stolen our tent." |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by BNC on Oct 19th, 2003, 8:27am Three scientists observed that 2 people entered a house and 3 came out. The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist: "They have reproduced." The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, it will be empty again." |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by BNC on Oct 19th, 2003, 8:34am Why did the chicken cross the road? Is it really just to get to the other side? Scientific explanations: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion cross roads. [Newton] The road moved beneath the chicken. [Einstein] We're not sure which side of the road the chicken was on. [Heisenberg] There was already a chicken on this side of the road. [Pauli] Unscientific ones: For fun. [Epicurus] Because the road was there. [Sir Edmund Hilary] Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. [Torquemada] If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! [Mr. T.] None of your business: We own the chicken and we own the road. [Bill Gates] I missed one? [Colonel Sanders] The chicken did not --I repeat: did not-- cross the road. [Richard Nixon] That's the way it is. [Walter Cronkite] The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. [Mark Twain] Define "road". [Bill Clinton] Philosophical ones: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. [Buddha] It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads. [Aristotle] He was exercising his natural right to liberty. [John Locke] Gaze too long across the Road and the Road gazes across you. [Nietzsche] It was a historical inevitability. [Marx] The possibility was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road". [Wittgenstein] Spinoff: Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? A: To get to the same side. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by BNC on Oct 19th, 2003, 8:52am Funny Units In the Troy system of units, the millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. A microhelen is roughly the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. The microcentury is 52 minutes and 35.76 seconds and was introduced by Enrico Fermi as the "standard" duration of a lecture period. It's equal to exactly 3155.76 s, as an exact submultiple of the scientific Julian century, which is defined to be equal to 36525 days of 86400 (SI) seconds each. The attoparsec (apc) is the only official SI unit in this dubious bunch, it's equal to about an inch (or 1¼", more precisely, 3.08567758 cm)... Well, as they say, "Give some people an attoparsec and they'll take 16.09344 tera-ångströms." A nanoacre is exactly 4.0468564224 mm2. The microfortnight is about one second (more precisely, 1.2096 s). The furlong per fortnight is about 2 ft per hour (0.1663 mm/s). The millicochrane and microcochrane are submultiples of a unit of subspace distortion, named after Zefram Cochrane (2030-2117). If you think the above is pretty bad, check some of the entries here, or below: 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbird 1000 whales = 1 kilowhale 10 millipedes = 1 centipede 10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 0.01 mentals = 1 centimental 0.001 ink machines = 1 millink machine 0.001 on = 1 million |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by william wu on Oct 26th, 2003, 4:32am Three statisticians went bow hunting for deer. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots and his arrow flies off ten feet to the left. The second shoots, and his arrow veers ten feet to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "WE GOT HIM!!!" A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane. A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane." The Fourier Transform Song (3.2 Megabytes; warning: very annoying): http://www.stanford.edu/~willywu/downloads/Fouriers_Song.mp3 |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Redingensian on Oct 26th, 2003, 7:58am What's a mathematical dessert? Raisin' pi to the teeth |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by BNC on Nov 4th, 2003, 7:42am It was just announced that a forth Matrix (C) movie will be produced. The new movie will be named "Matrix transposed". |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by rmsgrey on Nov 23rd, 2003, 1:18am An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist all stay overnight in identical hotel rooms. In the middle of the night, they each awaken to find the curtains of their room are on fire. The engineer immediately leaps out of bed, dashes over to the sink, turns the taps on full flow and vigorously scoops water towards the curtain with a cup. A short while later, the firs is out, the carpet soaked, and the engineer squishes back to bed. The pysicist, meanwhile, on seeing the fire, gets out a pencil and an old envelope and scribbles a few hasty calculations, walks over to the sink, half fills the cup and pours it carefully onto the curtains. A quiet hiss and a small amount of steam later, the fire is out, and the curtains just barely damp, and the physicist returns to bed. The mathematician, however, on seeing the fire, looks over at the sink, sees the tap, sees the cup and turns over and goes back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that a solution exists. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by rmsgrey on Nov 23rd, 2003, 1:21am Q:How can you tell the difference between an extroverted and an introverted mathematician? A(Hidden):[hide]The extrovert looks at your feet when he's talking to you![/hide]:: |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by pjay on Dec 6th, 2003, 12:23pm why did the mathematician name her dog Cauchy? answer: (hidden) [hide]it left a residue around every pole[/hide] |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by rmsgrey on Dec 8th, 2003, 7:29am ex is walking down the road one day when he meets several other functions coming the other way. One of them, x2, cries "Run for your life! A differential is coming! He's already eliminated some constants!" as he runs past. "Hah!" exclaimed ex, "I'm not afraid of any differential; I'm ex, and he can't affect me." So he walked on a little further, and, sure enough, spied a differential coming towards him. He approached boldly and declared, "Hi, I'm ex" "Hello," returned the differential, grinning broadly, "I'm d/dy" |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by aero_guy on Dec 10th, 2003, 10:34am [smiley=frakd.gif]/ [smiley=frakd.gif]y |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by william wu on Dec 10th, 2003, 10:38am Why necessarily partial derivative? That presumes ex is a function of both x and y. But it's only a function of x, which makes d/dy all the more hazardous to the health of ex. I love all the jokes btw :) Q: Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? A: [hide]Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse, repeat." [/hide] |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by aero_guy on Dec 10th, 2003, 12:21pm Sorry, I was being a smart ass and it backfired. I was incorrectly applying my partial derivatives. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by John_Gaughan on Dec 18th, 2003, 7:17pm Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough." The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient." The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "We Linux programmers don't piss on our hands". |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Dudidu on Dec 25th, 2003, 9:18am Here's another one (not funny at all)...but I got it by email so I'll share it. // image shrunken on 10:34 AM 1/29/2004 by wwu |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by pjay on Dec 25th, 2003, 11:24am A mathematician, physicist, and economist were riding in a train in England. As they are passing a town famous for black sheep, they are looking out the window and see a sblack sheep on a field. The economist remarks: So it is true what they say, all the sheep in this town really ARE black! The physicist says: Silly man, all this tells you is that in this town there is at least one black sheep. The mathematician with a smirk on his face replies: Stupid people, all we really know is that in this town, there is at least one sheep, one of whose sides is black. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by william wu on Jan 25th, 2004, 8:12pm Question: "What did the King of the Visigoths say when he saw a 1940s algebra book?" Answer: "Man, this book uses Fraktur too much!" |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by william wu on Jan 29th, 2004, 10:30am |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on Jan 29th, 2004, 1:37pm How long did it take Cantor to come up with the idea of ordinal numbers? :[hide] Forever and a day.[/hide] ============================================ What's purple and commutes? :[hide]An Abelian grape.[/hide] What's purple, commutes, and is worshipped by a limited number of people? :[hide] A finitely venerated Abelian grape.[/hide] ============================================ Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person is mathematically ignorant. The second one disagrees and claims that most people know at least a little math. The first mathematician goes off to the bathroom, and in his absence the second calls over a waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed." She repeats, "one thir -- dex cue"? He repeats, "one third x cubed." She tries again: "one thir dex cuebd"? "Yes, that's right," he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd." The first mathematician returns, and the second proposes a bet to prove his point--that most people do know a little math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second mathematician calls over the waitress and asks, "What is the integral of x squared?" The waitress carefully says, "one third x cubed." Then, while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder, "plus a constant." |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on Jan 29th, 2004, 4:31pm SOME STATISTICIAN JOKES ============================================ What is accounting? :[hide]What statisticians do for excitement.[/hide] ============================================ Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar. One of them says, "How do you like being married?" The other one replies, "It's okay but you lose a degree of freedom." ============================================ A job search had narrowed to three candidates, and the directors decided to ask them, separately, a very simple question: How much is 1 plus 1? The mathematician, when asked, looked startled, remarked that e to the minus i equals 1, rambled on, and concluded that 1 plus 1 is 2. The accountant in his turn looked startled, began by debiting assets and crediting liabilities, rambled on, and also concluded that 1 plus 1 is 2. When his turn came, the statistician nodded understandingly, briefly explained random distributions and finished " ..... so how much do you want it to be?" ============================================ There was a statistician who was desperately afraid to fly because of the possibility of a bomb on the airplane. He did a great deal of research and found that there had never been two bombs on an airplane. So, he just took a bomb with him whenever he was flying. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on May 22nd, 2004, 1:37pm Here is a true story which perhaps sheds some light on how mathematicians think. Edmund Landau, on being asked whether Emmy Noether was a great woman mathematician, replied: "I can testify that she is a great mathematician - but that she is a woman, I cannot swear." [Edited to correct omission pointed out by Icarus.] |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Icarus on May 22nd, 2004, 5:17pm Was he perhaps asked if Emmy Noether was a great woman mathematician? If so, his answer was particularly appropriate! |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on May 22nd, 2004, 5:40pm Quite right, Icarus. That was indeed the question. (I have now amended it.) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Icarus on May 23rd, 2004, 12:40pm What I particularly like about Landau's answer is that he makes it clear that Noether was a great mathematician, not just great for a woman. One thing I am bothered by in our politically correct age is that some whose star shined brightly are actually lessened by being group with others who were included for pc reasons only. I have seen math textbooks with various vignettes about mathematicians who include a number of top male mathematicians, Emmy Noether, and several female mathematicians of lesser accomplishment, included so as to have appropriate female representation. Now admittedly, the main reason there are few great female mathematicians is the historic male-dominated culture. But someone reading these snippets is liable to note that the accomplishments listed for the men are far in excess for the women, and correctly reason as to why. When they get to Noether, they may assume that she was included for the same reason. But this is not the case: Emmy Noether deserves her ranking as one of the finest mathematical minds to have ever lived. Landau's answer cleverly addresses this point: Emmy Noether is great in the big pond, not just the smaller one of women mathematicians. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by THUDandBLUNDER on May 23rd, 2004, 12:48pm Quote:
...and what is so 'historic' about it?? ;) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by grimbal on May 24th, 2004, 4:09pm Another joke: Love is complex. It has real and imaginary parts. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Sir Col on Jun 5th, 2004, 9:45am I'd heard the same one about life! ;) One from school... Q. What does the zero say to the the eight? A. [hide]Nice belt![/hide] A great quote... There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those that understand binary and those that don't. And a little fallacious arguing is always amusing... Theorem A cat has three tails. Proof No cat has two tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have three tails. And one for the math geeks... Q. Do you know any catchy anagrams of Banach-Tarski? A. [hide]Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski.[/hide] |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Grimbal on Jun 5th, 2004, 6:39pm on 06/05/04 at 09:45:45, Sir Col wrote:
Bahrain stack -- Arabic thanks |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Three Hands on Jun 5th, 2004, 7:35pm What did the Philosophy graduate say to the Maths graduate? ::[hide] Do you want chips with that? [/hide] :: |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Leonid Broukhis on Jun 8th, 2004, 6:21pm on 01/29/04 at 16:31:08, THUDandBLUNDER wrote:
I've heard one about an economist: "Are we buying or selling?" |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Sir Col on Jun 13th, 2004, 7:30am I don't think that the numerical data quite excuses it as a math joke, but it made me chuckle... As an aeroplane was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep." From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!" |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Noke Lieu on Jul 6th, 2004, 10:16pm Rudest joke in maths? What's the square root of 69? [hide]Eight something[/hide] ::) :)A crocodile is longer than it is wide. Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D. :)A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness. Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness. |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by BNC on Jul 7th, 2004, 1:31am on 07/06/04 at 22:16:23, Noke Lieu wrote:
But it's wide on the inside as well, while it's green only on the outside, thus it's more green than wide => contradiction! P) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Grimbal on Jul 7th, 2004, 8:08am on 07/06/04 at 22:16:23, Noke Lieu wrote:
Actually, a crocodile is long from the tip of the snout to the end of the tail. But the crocodile is green from the tip of the snout to the end of the tail, plus the legs. So, the crocodile is greener than it is long. :P |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Noke Lieu on Jul 7th, 2004, 7:33pm Well, they aren't even green. Trust me. Not like we get many of them in Canberra, but having a job that takes me up to the top end occassionally, I can assure you they aren't green. especially on their legs, which are more dark brown than their backs. Maybe Swiss crocs are different. ::) As for the inside of a croc, I have no idea whether its green or purple with yellow polka dots. I mean, I know what they look like when you cut them open and chuck them on the barby, but never been inside one to comment. ;) Apparently you really have to use that purchase to cram yourself in there.... |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by towr on Feb 3rd, 2009, 9:10am Here's a whole article about math humor: http://www.ams.org/notices/200501/fea-dundes.pdf For example: A mathematics professor was lecturing to a class of students. As he wrote something on the board, he said to the class "Of course, this is immediately obvious." Upon seeing the blank stares of the students, he turned back to contemplate what he had just written. He began to pace back and forth, deep in thought. After about 10 minutes, just as the silence was beginning to become uncomfortable, he brightened, turned to the class and said, "Yes, it IS obvious." |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by rmsgrey on Feb 3rd, 2009, 10:28am on 02/03/09 at 09:10:56, towr wrote:
Taking 10 minutes before the silence becomes uncomfortable is a sure sign that we're dealing with mathematicians :P |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by towr on Feb 3rd, 2009, 10:34am http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20090127.gif (http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1411) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by grokcode on Feb 4th, 2009, 12:39pm Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated." |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by ThudnBlunder on Mar 15th, 2011, 7:41am ::) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by Grimbal on Mar 15th, 2011, 10:25am on 07/07/04 at 19:33:43, Noke Lieu wrote:
The Swiss type can be found mostly on polo shirts. They are green. ::) |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by ThudnBlunder on Mar 15th, 2011, 6:00pm 1) Eating fat can cause heart attacks. 2) It is better to die quickly of a heart attack than to die slowly of cancer. 3) The more chance we have of dying quickly of a heart attack, the less we have of dying slowly of cancer. 4) Therefore eating fat is good! |
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Title: Re: Math Jokes Post by ThudnBlunder on Sep 11th, 2011, 11:58am Two old friends meet up after a long time apart. (As this is a math joke thread, let's call them A and B.) A: How's it going? B: Fine. A: How's the wife? B: Oh, her? She's dead. A: Dead?? Oh, I'm sorry. How? B: Yeah, dead. I murdered her. A: You're having me on. Stop joking, it's not funny. B: No, it's true. This morning, just like that (making a quick stabbing motion). A: Look, I'll be on my way if you insist on talking to me like that. B: Please yourself. OK, come with me and I'll show you. So they went to the friend's house, through the kitchen, and into the garden. And, sure enough, there was a body. But all you could see was a mound of earth with a woman's bottom sticking out. A: Is that her? B: Aye, that's her alright. A: But if you're going to bury her, why don't you do it properly? Why leave her with her bum sticking out like that? B: Well, I need somewhere to park my bike. |
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